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Do they know it’s a charity single?
24th November 2011. Posted by Lucas Owen. Trackback
When it comes to blogging I’m often teeming with ideas, until I actually need to write one: then I really struggle for inspiration. Predictably, as this week sees my name at the top of the rota, writer’s block hit hard. Then I switched on the radio.
“What is this NONSENSE?!” I hissed, before learning the drivel in question was this year’s Children In Need official single. So, cogs turning, I decided to do some research into the charity single genre. There is a definite recipe for success, but this also uncovered a group of songs which fail to make the grade: a ‘Collective’, if you will.
I name it this because no better example of ‘awful charity record’ exists than the latest offering from The Collective. The concept, I gather, was to create an urban supergroup which connects to disadvantaged young people in the aftermath of this summer’s English Riots.
However, The Collective is the brainchild of Gary Barlow, who is not a young person and is about as urban as a country manor. It misses the mark in fairly spectacular fashion, containing a stream of condescending nonsense lyrics spoken over the music from Massive Attack’s downbeat classic ‘Teardrop’. Witness the devastation for yourself:
This is not the kind of fun, happy, uptempo song that can be played over inspirational clips during telethons and on drunken dancefloors á la this, which is what great charity singles consist of. I met Pudsey Bear once. He was not ‘street’. He was cuddly.
This is really quite a bad thing, as Joe Public doesn’t buy it (in any sense of the word – The Collective has stalled at 24 in the charts) and this means less money for the disadvantaged kids Children In Need helps.
Band Aid kicked off the genre in 1985 with ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ and provides a snapshot of the 80s’ musical zenith, featuring Bono, Sting, David Bowie and many others. It has stood the test of time well. By contrast, The Collective is a damning indictment of modern British music. Who is Dot Rotten, anyway? Even Wikipedia hasn’t heard of her him.
Generally telethons are quite good at this kind of thing, so there are slim pickings to be had in terms of properly awful records. Grange Hill’s ‘Just Say No’ gets an honorary mention because there’s nothing I can stand less than singing kids; also included is the questionable taste involved in putting ‘Irreplaceable’ by Beyoncé on the Songs For Japan earthquake appeal album – a tune which includes the bleak lyrical reminder ‘Everything you own in a box’.
Of course, this is atypical; even if they’re cheesy and awful, the failings of most charity singles can be overlooked because they are for a good cause.
Among the better offerings, Gary Barlow did much better in penning Geraldine McQueen’s NSPCC Christmas fundraiser, ‘Once Upon A Christmas Song’, which is possibly the best new festive record since the 90s.
We can only hope that next year Children In Need gets back to winning ways with a song that everyone wants in their collection…